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Wednesday, December 10, 2008

what does it mean

I'm becoming a dependent on excuses. I think part of my lethargy has come, not from being too burnt out, but rather from not going far enough. Does that sound odd?
I could be being unreasonably hard on myself. I have to be able to look at the things I've done and say, I worked hard and this is why this is possible. I know I've put in a lot of extra effort these past few months, but deep down I always feel like I could work harder and so I never feel satisified or complacent. It's an uncomfortable feeling. One that gives me pride in my ability to disconnect and remain detached.
I finally feel like my life has hit a stride. I feel motivated, I love my job and the organization I work for, I learn something new everyday and I've met some wonderful people. But yet I only feel half alive in this moment. There's just something missing. I've stayed mildy productive today but it's like you know, when you're running or excercising. How it doesn't feel like you did anything unless your dead tired at the end.
But then again, maybe I should pace myself.
I think what is most needed is a time of celebration. A time to say, look what we've done and how far we've come. For the past few years I've minimized how impactful that measure of success is to me. But it's hard running so hard when you don't know where you're going.
I also feel like I've been less connected to the people around me. I don't enjoy that. I'm reading this book called Loneliness: Human nature and the need for social connection. It's very interesting. My need for social connection wanes and at times I am comofortably independent but I am also sure that I have a strong desire for human connection. I welcome the Holidays with open arms, I feel like I'm in a connection desert!

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