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Friday, September 12, 2008

with a phony red sheet

It's rainy and cold.
Although I guess there could be some debate over the 'coldness' of the day.
Last night was a rollercoaster of emotions. I feel very lost and unsure of myself. I let myself think too much and that's never good. I felt like I was walking through a mental fog with no clear way to see anything ahead of me. There were a bunch of really uplifting songs on the radio, one after another each tuning into what I was thinking and challenging it. My uncle called which was wonderful and very much appreciated.

It's almost like I'm scared of me. I don't know. The moment sunk in when I was at Lush the other night. My manager pulled me over to tell me how much she loved having me work there. It was after I had gotten a good sale I guess. It made me feel really weird, almost ashamed. I felt like I shouldn't be that good and I didn't want anyone else that I work with to feel bad that I was doing good. A part of me knows that's the wrong thing to think. I shouldn't try to do bad at work or not do as well. Maybe there's a way you can be good at things and do things well while still instilling in others the condfidence that their actions are just as significant and that they also have a way to contribute. I read a really timely and inspiring article in O magazine and this line really inspired me, moving me towards a space of awarness I hadn't inhabited before:
You and I might not have met, but because of my own superpower, I can tell you this:
Your life is not little, and your playing small doesn't serve the world. Your living large, on the other hand—your being your true self despite fear, fatigue, doubt, and opposition—will serve the world more than you can imagine. In fact, it may help save it. And saving the world, after all, is what all heroes (including you) are here to do.
I'm not sure what's planned for my life, but I feel its something that both scares me and excites me. I feel like if I start shrinking back now I won't ever get there and I guess that's not a good thing. The only thing I've ever wanted to be is just like everyone else. I beleive if you realize that everyone has something wonderful to contribute you can believe in what you have to contribute. I need to believe in myself a lot more.

I'm fortunate that I have such a wonderful CEO, she has sent me these really inspiring and wonderful e-mails each week. It's wonderful to have someone see in you what you can't see in yourself. Although I'm learning that I need to find ways to believe in me, even if no one else does. Especially if no one does.

I'm looking forward to relaxing at home, I hope I get sent home early tonight from work because I don't believe that anyone will really be shopping in the rain today. I'm reading this really funny book by Cynthia Kaplan called Why I'm Like This and I love coming home to it at night, in fact I don't think I will go out at all this weekend, but rather relax and read some of the wonderful books I've collected from the library and such.

Okay, now to end up the day.

Song:It's not easy to be me by David Gray

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