well looky here

So I had a revelation.
It's about 8:30 and I need to be at church by 9 for our cleanup so I'll make it quick.
Last night I just fell into a bout of tears. I have a natural tendency to stop myself from crying so it came out sort of akwardly. With me biting my lip till it was creased with my teeth marks. Then I fell asleep.
I woke up this morning and I felt such a peace. I feel renewed.
Part of it came from my further reading of Debbie Ford's book (see previous posts). I'm in this chapter called healing the split and she talks about the emotions in our life that show us we are hurting inside and inevitably hurting those around us. Those emotions are Guardedness, greed, arrogance, intolerance, self-absorption, stubborness and deciet. Then for each of those emotions she gave a spiritual antidote. Like for guardedness she gave vulnerability.
Well the one that really spoke to me was 'being of service' which she describes as the antidote for self-absorption. Quite honestly it can be the antidote for anything.
Here's a little of what she said"
Being of service requires us to release our expectations and attatchment to what our contribution should look like and just allow ourselves to be used for the good of a greater whole. When our narcissistic impluses are balanced by our deeper desire to contribute to others, we become willing to make a higer choice--if not for ourselves, then for the sake of those we would serve. We're willing to feel the discomfort of not getting a personal need met when we see that our sacrifice serve the needs of many. Being of service demands that we surrender our individual desires in favor of what is good for the collective whole. ...Serving others is a divine gift that lifts us out of the painful cycle of being our worst enemy, because in serving others, we get to belong and be a contributing member of the collective heart.

I just feel like something clicked in me. Like those are finally the words that shape these indescribable feelings that have been circulating in my heart and mind. It also helps me make a very important decision that I've been struggling with. I feel like I can better understand all of our purposes and presence in this earth. It is to serve each other. Yes the world is a crappy place, with big big problems. But we have big big solutions because we can serve. Everybody can be great, because everybody can serve (Martin Luther King, Jr.) Yes.
There are big questions and big answers and the bridge in between the both of them is called life.

Are you unpoopular? Do you pop out at parties?

This week has been incredibly emotionally draining. I can home today and took a much needed bubble bath and then procedeed to crash on my little air mattress. I'm even too tired to let out the much needed obligatory end of the week cry.
One of the things we learn as site coordinators is to set boundaries. One of those boundaries is with ourself, meaning we don't take our clients emotional life home with us and we realize our limitations in helping them.
Right now we're dealing with an exhausting and difficult client. Today some more information came out which further complicates the issue. I leave for DC on Monday so it's hard thinking about leaving our SDs with this person but hopefully we've prepared them. And I know they're able to handle anything.
At lunch I got a call from a potentially new client. He sounded so sweet on the phone. While he was telling me his story, I could feel my heart going out to him. It was a weird feeling because I don't want to get too emotionally invested but I just don't want to shut off my human capacity to care for another person. How do I do this? is the question that comes to mind. Can you do both without hurting the other person or yourself?
I don't know why I'm so committed to service. You'd think that the more I did it, the more I would become endeared to it. Yet the opposite has happened. I find myself exhausted, cynical and apathetic. It's a weekly struggle to maintain the idealism and hope which brings meaning to my work and hope to the people I work with.
This break will be much needed and much appreciated. It'll be so fun to be sorrounded by the people that I've only been able to communicate with through e-mail. I'll also be able to see a couple of UF peeps which will make me the happiest person in the world.
If I was honest with myself and willing to share my vulnerabilities I would have to admit that I am quite lonely at times. Even though I tend to have a lot things to do and a lot of places to go, not having someone to share it with is hard. And at the end of the day when I'm so consumed with the emotions I've had through the day, it's just weird not having someone to open up to with that.
Tomorrow morning I'm participating in a kitchen clean-up at my church. It'll be fun. I'm excited to serve my new church and give back in some way. Plus I get to hang out with some more of the awesome peeps at my church. And there's free lunch, which I swear is not the reason I'm doing this...

So unless something profound happens over the weekend I won't start up with writing on the blog until I get back into the office on the 6th. Then I'll share all my juicy details with you and pictures! Until then stay classy!

Quote: I have long since come to believe that people never mean half of what they say, and that it is best to disregard their talk and judge only their actions.Dorothy Day.

Quote (2):I believe that we must reach our brother, never toning down our fundamental oppositions, but meeting him when he asks to be met, with a reason for the faith that is in us, as well as with a loving sympathy for them as brothers.Dorothy Day.


Quote (3): Ah come on, Adrian, it's true. I was nobody. But that don't matter either, you know? 'Cause I was thinkin', it really don't matter if I lose this fight. It really don't matter if this guy opens my head, either. 'Cause all I wanna do is go the distance. Nobody's ever gone the distance with Creed, and if I can go that distance, you see, and that bell rings and I'm still standin', I'm gonna know for the first time in my life, see, that I weren't just another bum from the neighborhood. Rocky

...since sliced bread

This morning was a pleasant surprise. The heatwave has finally started to break and it was nice and breezy. Last night we had an intense thunderstorm and it was still incredibly dreary this morning. And just to add icing to the cake, as I was walking, a huge truck plowed it's way through a puddle which splashed right in my face and drenched my right side.

Somedays it's just a good day and you know it's going to be a good day.

Other days you have to fight like hell for it, this was one of those days.

It seems like our little office is moving beyond the storming phase of group development. We had a lot of laughs and even a terrifying run in with one of our 20 legged bugs. Client base was slow but we were still able to get some projects done.

I'm excited because I was walking home I saw some tents set up and a sign for a farmers market. sweet! There is one near me on Thursdays as well but I can never make it. I'm incredibly exciting about being able to do some quality produce shopping on the way home. They have ears of corn, leeks and whoopie pies!

As I passed by the museum of art this afternoon, I stopped to enjoy one of my favorite pastimes: watching tourists run up the rocky steps and then proceed to jump around in a cirlce with thier hands in the air. Trust me folks, this never gets old. But just as I was passing I started to get a sharp discomfort in my right leg. I guess sitting indian style for 8 hours and then leaping out for a four mile walk isn't bowling over well for my legs. Plus my right leg is shorter than my left and tends to get pretty sore . Since this was my last opportunity for a break I decided to climb up the stairs and find a place to sit on top. It was such a gorgeous site. I stopped and just decided to meditate and take it all in.

I needed that, that break, to bring me back to myself. I tend to rush and I feel like in ways I'm beginning to rush this experience. I'm running, and once you start running you never stop. I find myself getting really wrapped up in what's next. I'm here. I should enjoy the present.

Once I got closer to my home, my leg really started to ache so I'm taking it easy. I guess this is a pretty long walk. If my head doesn't get it, my body will sure reinforce the fact. We always tend to get the lessons we need to learn.

If you click on the picture it gets bigger!

Song: Run, Baby, Run

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JoXkVN6xYs&feature=related

Quote: Keep it simple, stupid. My highschool yearbook teacher, yeah I have great self-esteem now.

I'm reading Debbie Ford's 'Why Good People do Bad Things: How to Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy.' While I don't agree with every point she makes, I have been discovering some new insights into my own motives as well as the motives of others. It's an interesting analysis of what drives us to do things that go against our highers self and our knowledge of what is right. Even more importantly it shows us that in the terrible actions of those around us their is a world of hurt. Here's an excerpt:

"Desperately seeking to belong, we tried tirelessly to turn ourselves into anything we thought would be desirable to our families, friends, classmates, or other external influences that we wanted to be a part of. Without a second thought, we gave up our light, we gave up our innocence, we gave up our deepest truth, and we covered up our authentic expression. In a fight to hold on to the love that we needed, we withdrew from that which is most sacred; we ventured outside our authentic desires, and we tried to acheive the impossible: to fit in, to be approved of, to be accepted, and to be loved by those we deemed worthy of our love and affection. Voila the successful birth of our false self. Our shame and fear convince us to wear an infinite number of masks to hide behind. Because we lack the understanding that not only we but our dear friends and family all possess inner demons, we deny those parts of ourselves and begin the tireless process of creating personas--costumes so to speak--to conceal all of who we really are. ..The problem with this, of course, is that eventually we lose sight of not just of our darkness but our light as well." pg 87

Today I had my first phone meeting with my boss. We talk once a week, at least for the first few months. Not only do we go over what's going on in the office and address any concerns, but Delese works with me to define goals for the year and work towards them. Professional development really. I have a lot of respect for her and I feel I can tell her anything which is great. After our phone call I had a much clearer idea of where to go and what do and am more energized to tackle some of our big things. We have a strategic planning meeting coming up. It's a two day affair but after that we will have a better idea of what our specific goals are in terms of volunteers, client services, community partnerships and infrastructure. Oy vey! I have a couple of more days in the office and then I'll be off. Goal for the week: finish to-do list!

Quote: When you're living in poverty, any path you take in life it seems like you're not going to make it. That's why the violence is all like it is. People don't live for tomorrow. They live for today.

Andre http://www.philly.com/inquirer/education/18554429.html

I can't stand the rain.

Today was just what I needed. Or I should say that tonight is what I needed.
I went to a small group with some people from my church.
It's so important for me to have a strong spiritual community. Working day to day on things, it is easy for me to get wrapped up in the small things and let the problems of the world overwhelm me and my inability to address them. The time I take to reconnect with a power larger than me, a purpose and a plan larger than me, gives me peace. It allows me to recognize that there are many things beyond me, as well as many things within my reach.
Worry would be the word of the week. I have been worrying if the work I will do in this year will have any realy noticeable affect. I began to think that maybe the problems were too deep and too systemic to be solved or even adequately addressed. I began to believe that maybe this is how things will always be and I should just do what I can but stop trying to change things.
Tonight I was reminded that I must never give up the fight.
Our study is on when faith meets culture. We watched a small video of a church which I believe was in Canada. It is a modern church but after doing a little history they found out that the land their church was on had been stolen from Native American tribes when settlers first came to the land. On top of that, children from the tribes were taken from thier families and put into these reform schools run by missionaries. In the schools the children were mentally, physically and emotionally abused and this occured for many generations. Even though the modern church had no immediate involvement in the actions that had taken place, they took it upon themselves to restore the relationship with the Native American people. To give back, in a way, what had been taken back those many years ago.
We then had a discussion about what it means today to reach beyond racial and ethnic lines to restore unity and appreciate differences. This spiraled off into a discussion about gentrification and more specifically Penntrification. Basically, recent Penn grads are deciding to stay in the university city/west philly community. Some, like a couple at my church, intentionally move into a community that is diverse or made up of mixed incomes in an effort to go beyond themselves and form relationships. However, as more Penn grads move into the same neigborhood, prices and taxes start to rise which inevitably forces those with low or fixed income out of the nieghborhoods. The difficulty is how did you build a relationship with someone who sees you as a threat to their well being. It was a really interesting discussion.
It just caused me to put everything into perspective. I once read somewhere that people who worried are self-centered. It does look like a blanket accusation but the message is that there are things beyond us is in greater hands. I keep thinking about how to get the whole city of Philadelphia out of poverty. I can't do that (yet) but I can help one person. I can do something and I must learn to value that something I can do.
I believe that we can all change the world and it begins with one life.
Usually your own.


Really Happy News: My mom sent me the most wonderful card. I love these things called quotable cards. The funny things is my mom doesn't know that but she sent me one. It really made my day. The quote is "life isn't about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself." She also put my new insurance cards in there, cause she's such a mom. An amazing one.
Here is a snipit of her card which now sits proudly on my counter:
I'm glad tht you like your job, it sounds exciting! You are such a brave young lady to strike out with your feet on the ground. Oh! The snow is going to be beautiful. I love the snow. Please remember I'm here for you, don't feel like you can't talk to me about anything.
I called her and thanked her and then was granted a lecture on choosing doctors and making sure I undersand my insurance benefits. I do treasure those moments, however annoying they seem to be.

Song: You gotta be by Des'ree
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhpZfltbnAQ

Quote: A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees. The greatest work that kindness does to others is that it makes them kind themselves. Amelia Earhart

doodle doodle

Random things from my mornign of reading the newspaper and some spiritual things

http://www.philly.com/philly/hp/news_update/20080722_Providing_housing_for_Phila__homeless_is_slow_going.html
Article in the slow movement towards housing

http://www.philly.com/philly/hp/news_update/20080722_Homeless_remain_a_problem_in_elegant_Phila__park.html
The presence of the homeless in the famous Rittenhouse area at least gets people talking.

If we are not related to ourselves in wholeness, is it any surprise that we cannot perceive the wholeness of the world? […]
Because the source of human conflict, social injustice, and exploitation is in the human psyche, we must begin there to transform society. We investigate the mind, the human psyche, not as an end in itself, as a self-centered activity, but as an act of compassion for the whole human race. We must move deep to the source of decay in society so that the new structures and social systems we design will have a sufficiently healthy root system that they will have an opportunity to flourish. […]
Vimala Thakar, From "Spirituality and Social Action: A Holistic Approach"

round and round and round we go...

The historic boat houses that I see as I'm walking over Spring Garden bridge in the morning. You can see the Philadelphia Zoo balloon at the top.
The skyline on the other side of the bridge. Picture doesn't do it justice, it's gorgeous!
Coming up to the art museum.
The art museum and the rocky steps.
Logan Circle/ pool of the people

So, as promised, here are some pictures of some of the things I see as I'm walking to and from work. I was mildly productive at work today. I've been researching departments, professors and pretty much everything ever at Temple to try and see where we can make some contacts and get students in and the like. I had a great walk home. I stopped at Logan Circle. It was packed with people using the fountain as a swimming pool. It was really fun to watch. Every fountain gets used as a swimming pool. It's a way of life. I was trying to finish reading my book, the need for roots, before I had to return it. To no avail. Because it was on special loan, I couldn't renew it but I'll just check it out again sometime and try to get through it. I picked up three new books: (1) why good people do bad things: how to stop being your worst own enemy (2)Your America: Democracy's local heroes and (3)On my own: the art of being a woman alone. That last book made me feel like I've entered some weird unchatered chapter in my life. But they sound good.

As I'm walking home on the walnut bridge. There's the museum and the 30th street station.

My hood.

Song: Father and Daughter by Paul Simon

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AzMh7zHir1I

Quote: These black people at any rate, when nobody came to massacre them, or reduce them to slavery, knew how to live happily on their land. Contact with us is making them lose the art. That ought to make us, of all colonized peoples, think they hadn't after all more to teach us then to learn from us.

The need for roots.