riding through clouds

There are many reasons I enjoy plane rides. One reason is that you can say "I rode through a cloud this morning" and have it be absolutely true.

I finally got back into Philly this afternoon. It was a great trip that involved a lot of opportunities for learning and growth. I got to spend time with some wonderful people including spending some time with mom. I really enjoy Florida and have now begun to see that it is a naturally beautiful place. It was crazy humid and even crazier hot but still I really enjoyed it. I really miss the beach and lament that I won't be able to just cruise down there whenever I want. I know that many people praise the Jersey shore but I can't imagine that it even holds a flame to a Florida beach.

I thought the trip would be purely relaxing but a few things happened to me that have placed me in a questioning phase. Mainly around my religious and spiritual place. A few things happened that made me think 'is my new found independence a distraction from my relationship with God?' After much deep thought and reflection I found this to be a silly idea but at the same time I realized that I had some really conservative inflexible ideas about my religion and society that I just didn't want to have anymore. Maria Shriver wrote a book a while ago called 'just who will you be?' In it she poses the idea that our life is now about finding out what you will be but who will you be. I returned to that book for some inspiration and guidance. My own spiritual journey has been a rocky road these past few years. Finding my voice within the larger context of a religious identity has brought about some really intense challenges. Am I not following God when I follow my own heart? To answer that question I first had to get at the root of who I think God is and whose concept of "following God" am I really measuring my own actions by?

I also learned that I still have many areas of growth in my life. I want to become the best version of my self but who is that exactly. I have felt so ungrounded and even more so these past few months. I really want to find my own voice and my place in society instead of being swayed by every good idea. I believe that I was created with a plan and that I am on that plan and yet the next step is still unclear to me. But also that life is about choices and commitment at some point you have to start living by that. I also want to change the world for the better. But maybe there is where I've stepped into too much pride. Maybe I should realize that I do have something that I contribute but I very well can't do everything. There are many capable and compassionate human beings out there all itching to make a difference in this world. I just have to find my place in that bigger picture and do the best that I can.

Ultimately over the past week, I've come to realize that life is very short. I am sorrounded my wonderful and inspiring human beings. I am very blessed. I am always becoming. I accept and embrace who I am and the mistakes I have made. And life is about finding love, giving it away and feeling it.

I'M IN FLORIDA!!!!

I am very excited to be here. I already feel relaxed!

This morning I had to leave the house by 4 to catch my train to the airport. Preparing my stuff the night before was def. a huge help and prevented my past packing foibles such as forgetting my charger and such. I made it to the airport, early as usual because my worst fear is missing my flight. However I wasn't so luck on my connecting flight. I had a flight from Philly to Atlanta and then Atlanta to Jacksonville. My flight in from Philly was delayed and I got to the gate at 9:23 for my connecting flight. It was scheduled to depart at 9:30. I wasn't sure if I had missed the boarding because their were still people sitting there and thier was a lady at the desk. For some reason I didn't approach the desk until she walked away onto the boarding dock and closed the door. The man at the desk looks at me and goes "I hope that wasn't your flight." It was my flight. Missed.

But everything happens for the reason and I was determined to stay positive. I called my friend Kara who was picking me up and she suggested that I try to get a flight straight into Gainesville. Her tire light (I don't know anything about cars) had just gone off anyway so she had to go to the tire place? After checking with the Delta lady (Karen, really nice) I found out that there was a flight leaving to Gainesville at 10:57.

This is an amazing fact for many reasons. 1. I never fly Delta because it is too expensive but Delta is one of the like four airlines that flies into the Gainesville airport. 2. There are only two flights that leave Atlanta and head to Gainesville on any given day and one was later in the afternoon and 3. I got in the same time that I would have gotten in had I flown into Jacksonville and drove down. So I got to fly straight into Gainesville and it was wonderful. Everything happens for a reason and works out in the end. Just have a little faith.

I really love this place. While it holds a lot of memories it also just feels like home. I grew a lot here and while many of the people that I met during college no longer live here my two best friends are still here as well as many people from my church and of course my much loved advisors/mentors/generally good people-ers.

I really love my job. Like love love love. But the past few weeks I have just felt incredibly tired. I hate that feeling and so I'm thankful for the time to just reenergize. I hope that I enjoy it and make the best of it. Here's to straight chillin'.

give a little love

The office has been unusually busy.

We have seen a rush of people looking for employment. The other day I worked with a women who had a Masters and worked as a social worker with families and children. Her computer skills were so severly limited that even explaning the job search online was daunting.
I worked with a client yesterday who was just a couple of months older than me. She really wanted a job and had a lot of experience in housekeeping. However she had a record from when she was a teen. She was consistenlty denied any form of public assistance. She recounted how she was once told that she needed 'to have babies' in order to qualify for anything.
Yesterday I met a young man who had a full scholarship to a local university, a promising career in the music industry, a promise of a job with his church when he graduates but he lost his job, he is getting evicted, he is so stressed that he is lossing focus on his studies. He fought a long battle to get off the streets and away from his old life of addiction and crime. He can see where he's going and yet he feels so far away.

There are times when my job requires me to step back and other times when it requires me to step into my clients shoes. It is those times when I feel heavy. I feel their heaviness.

Our world can be an unsettling place. Yet I know there is hope. We're brining a new day in.

you know

I can think of a million ways this day could've been more productive...

Last night I ate half a pint of cinnabun icecream and couldn't fall asleep until around 4:00am. Now I have that weird tired feeling that you can get when you don't sleep and such. I came into work into a web of craziness and phone calls and people wanting to reschedule thier appointments and blah..and then I just settled into this simple unassuming stance of "I don't think I'm going to get anything done today."

However I did cross three things off my to-do list. Finally scheduled a doctors appointment and finally got my lease signed. And there I have suceeded....

and here we are again

I can't believe its almost been a year since I moved to Philadelphia. About this time last year I was packing up the last of my stuff, leaving Gainesville and heading back to Ft.Lauderdale. I seem to be in the same cycle. I'm moving to a new apartment and so this week has consisted of packing boxes and preparing for another transition. But it still doesn't feel like a year.

The past few weeks at work have been unusually busy. In fact, right now, I have a whole to-do list staring back at me. But I've lost most of my energy and enthusiasm and I only seem to glimpse it in spurts and sputters. I got most of it back today though. I was sitting in on a client meeting that one of our interns was leading and just speaking to this young girl I feel that rush of something. It was a flood of caring and I really wanted to stop everything and just sit with this girl and try to find the resources that could help her retain some stability in her life. She just found out she is pregnant and is in need of housing and a job. One of the shelters we were able to find for her is the same place that she lived in with her mother when she was young. It hit me that this could be another cycle. It could be different for her child, but it could be the same. I fight for the resources that won't make it the same.

But then I'm back to my e-mail and hiring/training interns, meetings and designing trainings and reports and thinking about large ambiguous goals. I feel incredibly disconnected from the things enjoy about my job and drained by the things I do most often. I had that manager feeling today. That manager feeling that makes you feel at once removed from the work you try to influence.I feel so removed and I realize I don't like this feeling at all. And so what do I do to retain the feeling of being present and here and with the work that is going on in our office.

I hope that this blog has and will continue to provide in an depth look into the work that I'm doing. And at the very least introduce you to my many adventures. I came into this with very little knowledge and know I feel I have more than I could ever want. More questions than answers more ideas than solutions.

If anything, I wonder, who are people meant to be. What is our role in getting people there? What obstacles have we as a society and we as individuals put in their way? What are we doing right and what are we doing wrong? Where are we going and who are we leaving behind?

One thing I do believe and value, everyone should have an opportunity to reach their full potential, to enjoy their life in their own way and on their own terms. We should respect that and nurture it. I have reading up on programs that have successfully preppared young students from poverty for educational opportunities that can 'break the cycle.' We talk about this gap that is erased and how students are trained in 'middle class' values http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/08/opinion/08brooks.html?_r=2. And its all good and well that we have given people a leg up in society, but what does that mean. What do people really want for their lives...

Galileo come back

It is very hard to get back into work mood when you take some time off. Even though yesterday I practically had to induce shock therapy just to stop thinking about work!

I had a really liberating weekend. I had to time to think and reflect and see Night at the museum in IMaX!! I also needed to pack and start cleaning my apartment cause I'm moving this weekend. I don't like packing or cleaning so blah to that.

I'm tiring of this adult 9 to 5, cooking my own dinners and washing my own clothes thing. I feel like I could only be heading to progressively more adult things.

I have become a vegeterian! I am very excited about this decision and step in my life. I am trying to move towards a more sustainable mode of living and align my values in life in all the things I do. Its a complicated decision as I think all attempts at moral living are. I mean I can say that I don't want to support the meat industry but this is a way of life for people a job. So many issues at play but I know that for me it just feels like the right move and that is all of the conviction that I need. The more you think you know, the less you really do.

Never give up on you...

I had a truly inspiring morning.
I may have noted this before but I am on the Philadelphia AmeriCorps week planning committee. Today we had an AmeriCorps rally for members in the city which was followed by several service projects.

AmeriCorps slogan is 'getting things done' and we kept repeating that through the rally. It was ironically inspiring to hear others testimonials and to see so many other AmeriCorps members out there.

I had a great, no awesome, team and we cleaned up a lot in the North Philadelphia area. I think lot clean ups get a lot of slack because they're not necessarily sustainable service projects and they are pretty labor intensive. But I believe that lot clean ups make a significance difference to the community. It shows that someone cares and increases the worth of the community. So three hours of this and joking and laughing and bugs and posion ivy and we were done.

As I was walking back to our office I stopped to reflect (a carry over from our after service reflection) where I thought about how much more connected I felt to the North Philadephia community. In fact at that moment I loved it and felt indebted to it. I saw a lot of hope there and that small act with so many other committed and engaged citizens renewed my faith in the change that is possible.

As I kept moving towards the office I passed through Temple where several large commencement ceremonies were either happening, starting or ending. It was a special moment seeing all of those families and graduates embracing this moment. It reminded me of my own graduation a year ago. I was then flooded with a mix of emotions. One a great joy at seeing so many dreams accomplished, so much joy and pride, and then this other wave which I can't quite accurately described. But it was like frustration and maybe a clear momemt where I was able to touch the feelings that have been surging through me this past month and a half.

Service is great and I feel almost selfish admitting to this. But I felt a great wave of...I don 't know but it was like...I wanted that carefree feeling back. I wanted to feel the ability to move forward with ease without being so concerned with all of the things I find myself concerned with. Service is great but it can feel so heavy when you realize how deep issues are and how complicated this world is. And then I think well maybe I shouldn't think of that, maybe I should just do what I can and not think about it tooo much. And that's ok. A better way to phrase it is to cahnge the things I can and the serenity to know the difference and wisdom to discern the difference.

We are all these wanderig souls, searching for a way to our dreams. May we all find our way and contribute to others as they search.

And do all that I can and never give up...

Ron Sexsmith: Never give up on you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vZaZNs0mhw

I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve. Albert Schweitzer.