Sunday Morning

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/10/us/10safetynet.html?pagewanted=2&_r=2&hpw

Step 1: Read article above
Step 2: Pause for deep reflection
Step 3: Speak out, in some way, for those who can't speak for themselves.

I can't figure out if the world is complex with simple answers or simple with complex answers. Either way, there are many people falling through the cracks.

In other, more lighthearted news, I think it is in everyone's best interest to dance at random times. To sing out of tune. To twirl when they are inspired. To laugh long and hard. To breathe.

I have been in a web of emotions lately. That happens sometimes I guess. But it is much more important to maintain a postive outlook and perspective. To remember the beauty and the possibilities and to remain focused on hope, especially against the odds.

And also to eat chocoloate and call your friends!

I keep thinking that I can swallow all of the worlds problems and produce some magical beautiful result. Giving up that hope seems like a surrender in some way. But I cannot absorb that role. There is a way and I can find that way and my place and give where I am. And maybe that is enough.

"There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self." -Aldous Huxley

is this my story...

I'm tired.
One of those tireds that require you to burst into tears at incredibly random and inconvenient moments.
Exciting things have happened.
Hired summer staff. (now trainings uurrgghh)
Found a new apartment. (hello to being broke for the next couple of months)
Great weekend, very social, free food!
Leadership team apprectiaion dinner tonight. (more free food, but also saying goodbye to our beloved leaders)

I feel like exploding.

Where are my great insights on poverty? My deep prose on the wonders of life? My detailed accounts of the many awkward moments that befall me on a daily basis? I'm not sure...

But today has been one of those days where people try to sit down and have conversations with me but I have so much going on. And then I feel horrible because, you know, aren't people more important then the things you need to do. But then it doesn't really stop the feeling. I struggle with being present and what that means. But I started this new meditation that is really helpful. I slowly repeat Psalm 46:10 like this:

Be still and know that I am God
Be still and know
Be still
Be

I know the heart of life is good....

Back attack!!

So I have had an incredibly refreshing past few days with a few bumps on the road. I've learned some lessons and cried some tears and all that jazz.

I have learned that I am human. I make mistakes but my past does not dictate my future...unless I let it.

I am in control of my choices and my future and the decisions I make have real tangible consequences.

I am a stewart of many resources. One of those is the people in my life. I have a duty to God and the community of all of us to treat each person with respect and love.

I forgive myself.

I forgive others.

One of the most profound lessons I have gleaned from the events in the past few weeks is what style of leadership I would like to model as I grow.

(okay break, their is a tour of library graduate students behind me. They are interested in academic librarianship.Note to self. Sign?)

Servant leadership is the idea that leaders serve first, lead second. A model for this can be found in the Bible when Jesus spoke to the disciples and said:

The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who exercise authority over them call themselves Benefactors. But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves. For who is greater, the one who is at the table or the one who serves? Is it not the one who is at the table? But I am among you as one who serves.

As I think about my second term and the influence I will have in the office, I have to consider what will my leadership style resemble. I hope that I can set a vision for our volunteers that will inspire them and bring our office to new heights. But ultimately I hope my role is one of service to our volunteers. I trully believe that if I empower them, guide them, train them and lead them then our client servive will be exceptional. If they feel comfortable and secure, than that translates into client successes. But its going to take a lot of work. Probably more work than I've ever committed to anything in my life.

But opportunities aren't just waiting for you. I have to take intiative. Make things happen.

In other news, I have no idea what to do with my life. I thought I was so unsure and maybe I am. Honestly I can't decide if the things I am being introduced to are shapping my future plans and that's why Im confused or I just want to do everything and that's why I'm confused. While I still believe that you spend your whole life figuring out, I just want to prepare for the next step. I just want to know where I'm going even if its a false idea. I don't like this wandering feeling.

I came into NSP pretty confident that my next step would be pursuing my Masters in Library and Information science and going on to a career in academic librarianship. Now I am not so sure.

I do know that I want to do something that is directly connected to service. I want to be involved with connecting those who have resources with those who need them. More concretly I would be interested in connecting large organizations with resources to nonprofits and to communities. I'd also be interested in ensuring that organizations maintain social responsibility. Example: So I went to this corporate leadership breakfast hosted by this volunteer organization. And they were giving out awards yadda yadda yadda. And this one organization got an award for the amount of community service they did as well as how many volunteers they bring to events. Well this particular organization also pays horrible wages to their employees. Just not wages anyone can live off of. And I have to make this point (even though robert egger already made it in 'begging for change.') What if an organization sends an employee out to volunteer with a little kid from a poorer community teaching them to read. But the reason that kids parents can't be there teaching them to read is because they work for that same organization and they make so little in wages that they have to work multiple jobs. Or their stressed. Or whatever. Volunteering isn't always enough. We can be more responsilble stewards of each other and the resources we have. Start where you are and watch the change ripple...

So yeah I don't know where my strenghts are best suited. Oh and another thing. I want to be involved in developing and empowering leaderswho choose to commit to these values. Time will tell and hopefully season because the time of year to apply for grad schools is fast approaching.

...

and where...

I have a strong desire to run away from my life for a little while. It seems very childish. Or maybe a better way to say it is that my inner child feels the need to run away. Maybe it senses the impending doom of adulthood, ever growing responsibilities and lost idealism. And so therefore it wishes I would just run away to escape it all and find somewhere to play and remain a child forever in bliss. I am sure I am not alone in this.

I don't only feel I am facing reality but at the same time conforming into the world in such a way that I might never regain the strength to challenge it and then...

Exasperation. Frustration. Stalemate. Blah.

I wish only to be sorrounded by good friends, laughter, merriment and palm trees (or any trees, I guess).

Going back to this idea of guiding people along. It is very much what we are doing in our work and yet it feels so beyond human capability. Or does it? I am not sure but I struggle with previous notions I had that everyone was helpable and that everyone problem can somehow be solved. That idea has never been challenged in my mind and yet here I am. But I choose to belive it and I grasp it with all the energy I have left. Even if it is the most draining and painstaking work I will ever do I will believe that everyone, in deed, can be moved to a greater existence. Maybe it is not in our power to bring them there and that holds a truth we have to start seeing. Partnerships and alliances. People doing the work, connecting with people who can change the laws and systems connecting with the people who constantly find themselves worked on. I feel like we have been at this place sometime now ( a place with so many inequities and injsustices) and either we don't have the ability to move forward or we are simply not doing enough together to find a way.
But I know now how little we all know and how much we should be willing to learn.

"I wanted no more people coming to Kakuma unless they had no other choice. I wanted us to take care of ourselves, and to solve all this on our own, and to bring no innocents into the hole we had dug." What is the What

do you know the what?

I've been reading Dave Eggers "What is the What." I started reading it because I felt I should read it because so many other people I know have read it. Who knows if that's the correct reason to engage myself with a book and story but ehh sometimes I'm a sheep.

The accounts in the book are quite harrowing. I am chilled at the thought what was happening in Sudan was not detached form the world. It happened in this same earth that we inhabit. It could be happening right now, while so many of us go on complelety disconnected. It's just interesting I guess.

We are all just carrying each other along. We hold each other in our decisions and our judgements and our actions and our indifference. We carry each other along. Who put this power in our hands.

me and the government have some unfinished business

I don't know how to fill out a w-4. I'm waiting on the phone with the IRS. I owe them and now they are taking hours of my life and filling it with classical music and automated responses.

Take it all govies!!!

beautiful disaster

This morning I went to a social entreprenuership conference on Temple's campus called "Local healthy food can transform our community." The conference focused on bringing nutrition and healthy food alternatives to the Philadelphia community. I went to to sessions, one on "Effective Food Nutrition Programs in Philadelphia" and a second one on "Getting great food into low socioeconomic urban areas." Both were very informative and discussed ways that local business and nonprofits were bringing nutrition education and food alternatives to underserved communities. Their was also some strong dialogue on barriers and opportunities. The organizations I got to hear from were:
www.thefoodtrust.org
www.urbantreeconnection.org
www.teens4good.orbius.com
www.weaversway.coop

I also got some awesome free snacks and met some cool cats. I went to a Marketing seminar yesterday where I got to hear from some industry professionals who spoke to us about marketing, pr and developing a plan on a small budget. I love these things, including the opportunity to run into people I saw at previous conferences! In my effort to stay abreast to whats going on in Philadelphia and be involved in as many ways as possible, I'm apart of the the AmeriCorps week planning committee. The committee is working on developing service projects for 100 AmeriCorps members. Right now, there are a few lot cleanups scheduled, but it would be great to have something more sustainable and far reaching for the community members. Not that clean lots don't have their significance!

I also just signed on for the Green economy task force job committee to help lay out some plans for green job trainings and opportunities in the Philadelphia community. Exciting! I have been engrossed in Van Jones book the Green economy and really trying to understand this possible new movement. The types of opportunities that come from this could be really transformative.
Work has been somewhat busy but I just developed this phenomenal to-do list using excel which has made my life so much easier, and COLOR CODED! Color coding things is like meditating to me, so euphoric.

Unfortunately I have been very tired, just so tired and I have no idea why. I can never seem to get enough sleep which is just poo oh and (drum roll please)

I GOT FOOD STAMPS!! It came at such a perfect time ($20 to my name folks) and I have fully stocked my kitchen and the ability to eat full meals every night is so fascinating to me. I am still getting over my grocery store anxiety. Since June I have had to keep my purchases under 60 bux and everything is counted and weighed and I have never been able to get all that I need and rationing has become my new pasttime. I don't complain though because I am still very fortunate. With food stamps I can return to eating healthy and nutritiously and being able to cook my own food at night is so empowering. The ability to choose and eat quality food has such value which cannot be underestimated. And here in Philly, many if not all farmers markets accept food stamps! My monthly allowance is $200. I officially filed for food stamps on January 28th and didn't receive them until last week due to lost paperwork and just blahness. Persistence payed off though and the money was applied retroactively so my food stamps came with about 400 on it plus the 200 I get for this month! Don't worry Mom, I won't spend it all at once!

Our client flow has picked up and we are feeling it. The end of tax season is fast approaching and despite the amount of taxes I have done for others I have yet to do my own, eeek. We have had really encouraging success and wonderful relationships developing. Still I feel a great deal of anxiety and sadness at times just encountering the challenges out there. There is so much that needs to be done system wise for our work to be more effective. It is very daunting and tiring. Last week I had a meeting with a social worker from a local legal assitance org. who shared housing resources with us. The point she drove home was that people need advocates in order to be successful. Yes they do.

Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWsfrHvUMZM