and where...

I have a strong desire to run away from my life for a little while. It seems very childish. Or maybe a better way to say it is that my inner child feels the need to run away. Maybe it senses the impending doom of adulthood, ever growing responsibilities and lost idealism. And so therefore it wishes I would just run away to escape it all and find somewhere to play and remain a child forever in bliss. I am sure I am not alone in this.

I don't only feel I am facing reality but at the same time conforming into the world in such a way that I might never regain the strength to challenge it and then...

Exasperation. Frustration. Stalemate. Blah.

I wish only to be sorrounded by good friends, laughter, merriment and palm trees (or any trees, I guess).

Going back to this idea of guiding people along. It is very much what we are doing in our work and yet it feels so beyond human capability. Or does it? I am not sure but I struggle with previous notions I had that everyone was helpable and that everyone problem can somehow be solved. That idea has never been challenged in my mind and yet here I am. But I choose to belive it and I grasp it with all the energy I have left. Even if it is the most draining and painstaking work I will ever do I will believe that everyone, in deed, can be moved to a greater existence. Maybe it is not in our power to bring them there and that holds a truth we have to start seeing. Partnerships and alliances. People doing the work, connecting with people who can change the laws and systems connecting with the people who constantly find themselves worked on. I feel like we have been at this place sometime now ( a place with so many inequities and injsustices) and either we don't have the ability to move forward or we are simply not doing enough together to find a way.
But I know now how little we all know and how much we should be willing to learn.

"I wanted no more people coming to Kakuma unless they had no other choice. I wanted us to take care of ourselves, and to solve all this on our own, and to bring no innocents into the hole we had dug." What is the What

do you know the what?

I've been reading Dave Eggers "What is the What." I started reading it because I felt I should read it because so many other people I know have read it. Who knows if that's the correct reason to engage myself with a book and story but ehh sometimes I'm a sheep.

The accounts in the book are quite harrowing. I am chilled at the thought what was happening in Sudan was not detached form the world. It happened in this same earth that we inhabit. It could be happening right now, while so many of us go on complelety disconnected. It's just interesting I guess.

We are all just carrying each other along. We hold each other in our decisions and our judgements and our actions and our indifference. We carry each other along. Who put this power in our hands.

me and the government have some unfinished business

I don't know how to fill out a w-4. I'm waiting on the phone with the IRS. I owe them and now they are taking hours of my life and filling it with classical music and automated responses.

Take it all govies!!!

beautiful disaster

This morning I went to a social entreprenuership conference on Temple's campus called "Local healthy food can transform our community." The conference focused on bringing nutrition and healthy food alternatives to the Philadelphia community. I went to to sessions, one on "Effective Food Nutrition Programs in Philadelphia" and a second one on "Getting great food into low socioeconomic urban areas." Both were very informative and discussed ways that local business and nonprofits were bringing nutrition education and food alternatives to underserved communities. Their was also some strong dialogue on barriers and opportunities. The organizations I got to hear from were:
www.thefoodtrust.org
www.urbantreeconnection.org
www.teens4good.orbius.com
www.weaversway.coop

I also got some awesome free snacks and met some cool cats. I went to a Marketing seminar yesterday where I got to hear from some industry professionals who spoke to us about marketing, pr and developing a plan on a small budget. I love these things, including the opportunity to run into people I saw at previous conferences! In my effort to stay abreast to whats going on in Philadelphia and be involved in as many ways as possible, I'm apart of the the AmeriCorps week planning committee. The committee is working on developing service projects for 100 AmeriCorps members. Right now, there are a few lot cleanups scheduled, but it would be great to have something more sustainable and far reaching for the community members. Not that clean lots don't have their significance!

I also just signed on for the Green economy task force job committee to help lay out some plans for green job trainings and opportunities in the Philadelphia community. Exciting! I have been engrossed in Van Jones book the Green economy and really trying to understand this possible new movement. The types of opportunities that come from this could be really transformative.
Work has been somewhat busy but I just developed this phenomenal to-do list using excel which has made my life so much easier, and COLOR CODED! Color coding things is like meditating to me, so euphoric.

Unfortunately I have been very tired, just so tired and I have no idea why. I can never seem to get enough sleep which is just poo oh and (drum roll please)

I GOT FOOD STAMPS!! It came at such a perfect time ($20 to my name folks) and I have fully stocked my kitchen and the ability to eat full meals every night is so fascinating to me. I am still getting over my grocery store anxiety. Since June I have had to keep my purchases under 60 bux and everything is counted and weighed and I have never been able to get all that I need and rationing has become my new pasttime. I don't complain though because I am still very fortunate. With food stamps I can return to eating healthy and nutritiously and being able to cook my own food at night is so empowering. The ability to choose and eat quality food has such value which cannot be underestimated. And here in Philly, many if not all farmers markets accept food stamps! My monthly allowance is $200. I officially filed for food stamps on January 28th and didn't receive them until last week due to lost paperwork and just blahness. Persistence payed off though and the money was applied retroactively so my food stamps came with about 400 on it plus the 200 I get for this month! Don't worry Mom, I won't spend it all at once!

Our client flow has picked up and we are feeling it. The end of tax season is fast approaching and despite the amount of taxes I have done for others I have yet to do my own, eeek. We have had really encouraging success and wonderful relationships developing. Still I feel a great deal of anxiety and sadness at times just encountering the challenges out there. There is so much that needs to be done system wise for our work to be more effective. It is very daunting and tiring. Last week I had a meeting with a social worker from a local legal assitance org. who shared housing resources with us. The point she drove home was that people need advocates in order to be successful. Yes they do.

Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWsfrHvUMZM

if you had one chance

What does it take to change the world?

What does it take to end poverty?

What does it mean to be a leader?

I feel like this year has moved me closer to those answers and more. On Sunday, Philadelphia was hit with a wave of hail and a sporadic thunderstorm. Large pellets of water fell from the sky, pushing their way into the earth and flooding away the remnants of the winter. On Monday as I was walking to the subway I noticed there was a different smell in the air, something new painting the world around me: green. Green is my favorite color and I have never appreciated it more. Spring had sprung and green, lush, verdant life was emerging from the earth.

A volunteer just told me that in her meeting with a new client she was able to find a job for him and line up a house. Green, lush, verdant life emerging from the earth.

We live in a world of possibilities. I know that the present year has been lauded as a crisis but it is something much more precious, an opportunity. It's a wake up call, we've been going in the wrong direction, being uselessly exessive and unnecessarily proud. We have a new opportunity to make things better and more useful. If anything, we have been shown that we need to include more perspectives and voices in the work we do. We've got to realize how we are all connected, how our actions have consequences, not just for us but for so many others. We've got to keep up our enthusiasm in the face of seeminly immovable boundaries and we've got to be smart and understand the future as it relates to our actions in the present.

Green, lush, verdant life emerging from the earth. My life is my one chance to make in impact. There must be a God in this world, the way the earth seems with life. Yet we are here too and God flows through us. Has given us a piece of himself in hopes that we can all work together to bring this world to a greater place. And I am here to answer the call. I know that change is possible.

The challenge wasn't whether to buy a couple of bottles of champagne; it was instead not to take or privelege for granted and to use it in a way that served the world and our highest purpose.
Jacqueline Novogratz

Rise Above!!

My God is the God of sunrises,the God of running into old friends because a traffic jam made you late.The God of cool breezes,who leaves lessons for life in the flowers.My God is the God of teachers just when you need them,and silver linings revealed when you had given up hope.The God that laughs when you make plans,but ensures you always get where you need to be.My God is the God of sunsets, who hugs you when a door is slammed shut,and winks at you through the window cracked open.My God is the God of song and dance, who prefers this form of prayer,and delights in creativity, and other expressions of love. My God smiles at me from the moon and stars and reminds me that life is never not perfect. Allison Mills


Where have I been oh blog, away away away....

But I miss you so I'm back.

I haven't really been busy but I have. A lot of wonderful things have happened and a lot of not so wonderful things. I feel somewhat lost, and lonely. At times I really enjoy that feeling because when I there I feel closer to being found, how odd.

It feels good to come back to you and it feels to come back to things in general. I am struggling now with my concept of God and my faith and my spiritual connection to those around me. I feel there are many thoughts about God I have convinced myself to believe but I am finding my own now. My own connection to a God that is bigger than me and anything I can create about him.

What I miss most now is community. A community centered around a common love. Does anyone else out there miss those things as well? I am wondering now how I can create those for myself. I'm not sure if I ever had those in my church, although I think that was the point. But my heart longs for something more real. Not things I have to convince myself of. Things that don't take effort but just are because they are. I long for authenticity.

I am thinking about moving to another apartment in Philadelphia. This saddens and excites me for many reasons. I love the little home that I created for myself but I long to be apart of a house and have others to come home to. But maybe this is the time for me to be in my own space. To leaern more about my place in this big world.

I'm also studying for the GRE and researching grad schools. It feels like the right time. I know what I want out of a program and I feel lead to this place in my life.

It has been a very rainy day in Philadelphia. I did not feel like doing much work and fortunately neither did many people in my office. But we did have a rush of clients at various points so that really brought us back to reality. It was a nice day, I really do enjoy overcast days. Sometimes the sun can just be so bright and overcast seems like a needed reprieve from all that.

So I have adopted this mentality in life now. It is called Rise Above. A couple of weeks ago I found myself becoming really negative and being dragged down by external forces. I decided to just let go of all that and rise above. To focus on the bigger things, respond not react and live a life I can be proud of. It is has been so refreshing. When you feel the rip currents of negativity pulling you in, rise above!

I got a new journal cause I had gotten close to the end of my old one. I usually never finish a journal just get a few pages to the end and then stop. I leave pages at the end cause there is always more to the story. But my journal has proven to be a faithful friend.

I guess, thats it....

For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. Benjamin Button.

Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void. Kathleen Kelly.

at this point in my life

I can't believe this week went by so fast.

Wonderful things have been happening in our office and in the lives of the people we work with. I am blessed, its been good and has brought a smile to my heart.

Today when one of our volutneers was trying to find a job for the client she was working with, she found a cruise ship singer position. So she asked out loud, "can anyone sing." At that moment all of the clients in the office began belting out their favorite tunes. It wasn't long before the volunteers joined in. It was magical. Although the answer to that question was a definitive no and so the job search continues.

I can see the joy we bring people and we're bringing it all day long.


And there are days it feels daunting, absolutely. Particularly when you look at the dropout numbers, and when you look at what's not serving the students in the United States well. But then there are other times, you know, days like these when you're in a small school like this and it's exhilarating because you see the possibility. And it's the possibility that makes us keep working on this. Melinda Gates